Relationships

For Those that Work

We are often so tired when we come home from a hectic day at work our relationships suffer. Our energy level and patience may be low. This is why work-life balance has become so popular. See Work Life Balance.  

My family - a true story of wanting my need met now and how this affected my relationship with those I love.  

I want my son to do his homework and NOW.   This example is the same for wanting my son to have a bath or unpack the dishwasher or anything else.   Why should anyone do something right now? In wanting my needs met now, I disrespect another as I don’t respect that maybe now is not right for them.  I can ask, I can recommend or suggest. 

When I commanded and by this I mean a sentence that ends in an exclamation mark!  I usually meant my way or the highway.  "Barak (that’s my son's name) it's time to do your homework now!  In my mind I truly saw this as needing to happen now.  I didn’t see other possibilities. 

I don’t see my son, I see the homework that is not done.  I then get frustrated that he is not listening to me and a dialogue goes on in my head.  I say to myself "He doesn't listen to me."  (I am really not listening to my son but I don’t know that yet) and then I start to get angry, I shout and I shout.  I am out of control but I don’t know it at the time.  I threaten my son with totally disconnected threats and punishment. 

If you don’t go do your homework now, then no TV for tomorrow.  When he still doesn’t budge it starts to build and I say ok no TV for the entire week.  (Maybe that will help?)  I started to notice that no matter what the situation, whenever I wanted something to be a particular way and could not have this, I became frustrated and then angry. 

My anger spreads 

Well I am now super angry and my daughter comes up to me and I don’t see her.  I am so angry that everything angers me now.  I see red.  She asks me a question but I don’t hear her.  All I hear is my mind saying he doesn't listen to you.  So my daughter becomes another vent for my anger.  I storm around in hate of the world and totally disconnecting me from myself, from my son from my children. 

Isn't it lucky my husband is not home. 

But wait, my anger continues and it does not subside.  So when my husband does actually arrive home instead of finding a loving family to great him at the door, he is confronted with an angry wife and perhaps frightened kids.   

The devil has taken over 

Actually I feel like the devil has taken over me.  When I do finally touch base and realize my anger then I feel so helpless.  What can I do to make it go away?  I hate myself like this and the anger does subside and is replaced by sadness. Maybe I was right that my son should do his homework, but I wanted to find another way.  I knew my way was not helping.  I saw that the homework still was undone and so was I.

The sadness 

I am saddened by what I have done to those I love around me and perhaps my soul is also crying out for me. I hate that person I become and what I do to others. With my sadness I am still separate from my family. I criticize myself for my behavior and become sadder at the mother and wife I am. And the cycle continued until somehow the sadness subsides and I return to my true loving self, which is someone who is in harmony with herself and at peace and loves the world. The devil has gone - for now. 

The cycle of emotion 

In this voice healing course which was much more than voice therapy,  I came to learn more about my emotions,  and that when someone does something other than what I want I feel frustration,  perhaps even despair and then anger and then sadness sets in.  A cycle of emotions take place with a situation or event.   

Exercise - not asking or expecting anything from anyone in the family 

I so often used to ask my kids for help and then get upset over the fact that they would not or did not want to do it now.  

This week not to ask anything from anyone in your family.   Let life unfold.   Also please do not tell anyone to do something for you. Where this does not make sense or is not possible in your opinion, the please practice the following.     If you do decide to ask then know that the person or child you asked can say "no" , "later", "I don't want to" or "not now". Or any other combinations other than yes I will do this right now.

Your practice is to accept there response. When these situations arise practice this and don’t do anything other than watch your emotion when something you want or expect does not happen as you wished or as you timed it. The practice is to watch these emotions as an observer would non judgmentally, with a curiosity to looking at yourself rather than concentrating and thinking what the other person or child is not doing . It's amazing how sometimes you can see from such a small thing your frustration or anger can rise. Just watch this without resisting the emotion.

Please do not try to let it go. By just observing or watching, the negative emotion will leave you faster than you telling the emotion it should not be there. By fighting the anger for example leads to you being upset with yourself and the anger remaining for longer.